Tofurky of the Year
The Tale of a Textured Soy Politician
Like many other writers I have fallen into a late-December trap whereby I reflect on the year gone by and write about it while describing the exploits of the many villains and occasional heroes. You know the formula.
Often these sorts of pieces are titled “Turkey of the Year” as if being a turkey is a bad thing. Everybody knows the story about how the wild turkey (Meleagris gallopavo) narrowly lost out to the bald eagle (Haliaeetus leucocephalus) in the national bird sweepstakes and had to settle for having its name and likeness on the bourbon bottles favored by crazy people. That’s small consolation for a species that is far too dignified to eat rotting hog carcasses like the bald eagle and far too intelligent to be associated with the dinguses of our own species (Homo sapiens). (Nod to Lyz Lenz, who manages to write something every Friday in this genre with her Dingus of the Week series).
Tofurky is a fake turkey breast shaped from tofu. I hear in California that sometimes people try to make it look like an actual cooked turkey with the legs and wings and such. To be clear, this is not a knock on tofu or vegetarianism. I do indeed like tofu, and this is no kidding folks, deep-fried cubed tofu coated with Andy’s brand cajun breading makes a great appetizer for a fish fry. And that tofu in China that floats around in the bowl of ubiquitous warm brown liquid found everywhere food is served isn’t half bad. I once saw a guy in Nanjing uncannily pluck those cubes out of such a bowl with chop sticks as a lazy Susan spun it around the table. While holding a lit cigarette. My own feeling is that some delicious organically-grown vegetables surrounding a hologram of a golden brown cooked turkey projected onto the centerpiece of the dining room table would be much more appetizing than a stuffed roll of textured soy protein. And nobody, absolutely nobody, looks forward to eating leftover Tofurky sandwiches or Tofurky ala King during halftime of the Rose Bowl.
So there you go, there’s about 270 words leading you to the title of this essay—Tofurky of the Year. This year’s winner is my very own state senator, Zach Wahls. Read on for more.
Just before he was elected the first time, ZW met with me and some other University of Iowa folks to talk environment, and specifically water quality. In the years that have since passed, literally the only time I’ve heard Mr. Wahls associated with the words ‘water quality’ was hearing he told the senate democratic caucus that the issue was the third rail of Iowa politics, and nobody should touch it. I’ve heard this now from three separate people and don’t have reservations about repeating it here.
On a whim last week, I decided to look at ZW’s campaign contributors. It’s not pretty. Since Zach hails from Johnson County, Republican opposition is pretty much non-existent, and he ran unopposed in 2022. No Republican presidential candidate has won Johnson County in my lifetime. For reference, Dwight Eisenhower was president when I was born.
Despite running unopposed, Senator Tofurky spent $43.64 per vote (4 times more than any unopposed candidate in Iowa) and raised almost a million dollars for his reelection. Iowa City is the most densely populated city in Iowa and so it stands to reason that you can reach its voters more efficiently than anywhere else in the state. You could probably reach half of them on Saturday morning at the downtown farmers’ market and the other half by standing at the UI hospital employee entrance. Let’s just say that you can put on one helluva a show for $44 a pop in Iowa City.
The folks that helped ZW reach that $43.64 threshold included Ag giants Bayer, Syngenta, John Deere, and exhibit A and A1 when it comes to nitrate pollution, the Iowa Corn Growers Association and the Agribusiness Association of Iowa. Just about every corn ethanol interest you can imagine and many you’ve never heard of are also on Senator Tofurky’s contributor list: Little Sioux Corn Processors, Siouxland Energy & Livestock Cooperative, Lincolnway Energy, Absolute Energy, Golden Grain Energy, Quad Cities Corn Processors Cooperative, Western Iowa Energy LLC, and ethanol giant Archers Daniel Midland (ADM). ZW received more money from the Iowa Renewable Fuels Association (the corn ethanol trade association) than any other Democrat in 2022 ($2500), an amount exceeded only by Republicans Kim Reynolds (governor) and Mike Naig (secretary of agriculture). ZW received more from the Renewable Fuels Association than Iowa farmer legislators (all Rs) Chad Ingel, David Sieck, Pat Grassley, and Norlin Mommsen. Interestingly, Zach also received more from the Ethanolians than Jack Whitver, Republican leader of the state senate and a 2022 candidate that was in a semi-competitive race (he won by 17% which sorta counts as competitive these days). Whitver spent an obscene $178 per vote for a seat in the Iowa legislature. All I can say about that is that this is a sick, sick country.
Now let me say that if a Democratic candidate is in a close race, a liberal voter might be tempted to look the other way when it comes to these things. But, to emphasize, this is a candidate running unopposed in what is basically the Iowa equivalent of Madison, Wisconsin. In Johnson County, the car dealers don’t even carry red cars and rumor has it that the mall Santa in Coralville wears a blue suit.
I decided to dig a little deeper into this campaign contribution thing, and let me tell you folks, it’s more repulsive than your uncle’s breath after Christmas dinner. Zach might be my Tofurky of the Year but he’s not without competition.
The person representing my area of Iowa City in the Iowa House of Representatives is Amy Nielsen. Her campaign contributors include the Agribusiness Association of Iowa, Golden Grain Energy, Iowa Renewable Fuels Association, Lincolnway Energy, Western Dubuque Biodiesel, Southwest Iowa Renewable Energy, Western Iowa Energy, Siouxland Energy and Livestock Cooperative and Little Sioux Corn Processors. Whooda thunk it that folks in ruby red Sioux County were so interested in elections in the so-called People’s Republic of Johnson County?
Are visions of sugar daddies now dancing in your head, giving you an idea of why Iowa Democrats won’t criticize agriculture and ag pollution and won’t run on water quality?
Across the polluted Iowa River in Coralville, Democratic state representative Dave Jacoby (also unopposed in 2022) lists as donors the nitrate pollution twins (Iowa Corn Growers Association and Agribusiness Association of Iowa), Golden Grain Energy, John Deere, Syngenta, and a longer laundry list of ethanol interests than even Senator Tofurky. For his part in keeping your water polluted with corn fertilizer, Jacoby was named a “Biofuels Champion” by the Renewable Fuels Association.
These political contributions paint a clear picture of why ethanol and water pollution are so entrenched in our state. The Iowa Renewable Fuels Association contributed to 28 state level candidates in 2022. Every one of them won except one—Steve Hansen (D) of Sioux City. 27 of 28, not bad, not bad AT ALL. Even retired Eastern Iowa liberal icons Dave Loebsack, Rob Hogg, and Johnson County’s King Cannabis, Joe Bolkcom, were once recipients of the ethanol money. Which maybe suggests THE REAL Democratic strategy on water quality and environment: keep us all so stoned that we don’t notice we’re living in this environmental hellscape.
Why would the Ethanolians contribute to the campaign of somebody like Senator Tofurky, who’s always going to be a shoo-in or unopposed in the general election? That money buys quotes like this from him: “This legislation (bill mandating sale of E-15 at all Iowa gas stations) is a win-win for the Iowa economy, especially in our small towns and rural areas.” And finally, ethanol money funneled to Tofurkies helps crystallize the idea that using America’s most polluting crop (corn) for fuel, something that actually increases greenhouse gas emissions, is an environmental good endorsed even by people elected from the state’s most liberal county.
Here’s the source again for the political contribution data: link.
About my book: The Swine Republic is a collection of essays about the intersection of Iowa politics, agriculture and environment, and the struggle for truth about Iowa’s water quality. Longer chapters that examine ‘how we got here’ and ‘the path forward’ bookend the essays. Foreword was beautifully written by Tom Philpott, author of Perilous Bounty.
Chris, I would like to note another objectionable aspect of the current finance disclosure laws. Did you see that your state senator wrote checks TO the state party for $771,250? Whether designed to obscure the flow of political funds or not, state Senator A accepts the donation and forwards it for redistribution through the state party. The result is a laundering of the donation (in terms of financial clarity, a way to tie politicians more closely to the party organization using the redistribution, and in many cases funds being taken from rural areas to be spent in metropolitan areas. Both Republicans and Democrats are doing this. My state Senator was not on the ballot in 2022. The Senator’s campaign disclosure reports showed he sent $42,000 to the Iowa Republican Party of $43,500 raised.
I view it as a form of chicanery. I encourage people to view the reports available from the Iowa Ethics and Campaign Disclosure Board. Call out the politicians who play this game.
This vegetarian is not offended by your statement. This is not a knock on tofu or vegetarianism. This vegetarian understands the assignment. For the purposes of this conversation we're talking about someone who is fake. This is not a knock on fake meat, lol. But that would probably be another article. Yeah we've got some fake ass democrats here. My youngest daughter moved to la two years ago. With no intention of ever coming back. Why would she? California may have its problems but the push there is not towards ethanol. And her uterus has more rights than a gun. Not to mention the pool of men.... Oh, and to continue with this PCness, this is not a knock on men....